You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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