Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I need a beard to bite.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
