I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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