Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize