I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
