I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
