Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
