does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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