dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
