Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
