I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
So much Jack, so little girl.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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