He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
If its not for food we ain't going out.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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