Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
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