I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
