yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
