Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize