My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
