Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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