he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
