to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
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