so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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