we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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