I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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