i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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