My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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