one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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