I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize