When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
