My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
