ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
