Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i dont even know how to be here
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
