my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
