In America we eat man semen.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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