My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I'm eating all of the evidence.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i drank out of a bidet.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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