Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
