I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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