Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
