OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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