Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
