I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I need to sanitize my soul.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize