dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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