He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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