I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
