i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
