Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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