people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
