I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Send help, water and tortillas.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
