I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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