Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
