Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
