Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
