If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
