god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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