he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
