Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
