I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
