Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
