I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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