did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
