and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm too high and old for this...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
