got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
