remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
