When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
