I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
