you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
